I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize