not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
