when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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