you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i just had sex bonerless
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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