im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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