There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
