I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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