I wanna bring you to show and tell
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
