P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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