My friends, they love my intelligence
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
