I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I've blown a few things in my day
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
