All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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