So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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