If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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