What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
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