Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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