never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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