so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
