So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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