I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
