Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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