Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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