dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
The struggles of a small town man whore
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
