There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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