Michael Bay diarrhea
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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