i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
