chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
