How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
