i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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