Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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