Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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