sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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