hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize