Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
