I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
i black out too much to be "responsible"
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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