R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just threw up on my dentist
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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