I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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