i think i have two assholes
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize