FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
