PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
