Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
