My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Say something about gay babies.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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