he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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