quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
