If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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