Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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