i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
