i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Drunk is a universal language darling
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
