you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
