It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
