I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
