I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
