Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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