Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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