I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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