i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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