The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Drunk is a universal language darling
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