I accidentally had phone sex last night
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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