The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Randomize
