when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
