I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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