my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
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