oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
