I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
